This is my story, the story of my first love and not many people, if any know this story. I kept this story secret even from my best friend, I think only God and his angels know this story. Why tell it now you may ask because maybe it will touch another human, maybe save a life. It starts with a fifteen year old girl, raised in a strict family environment, having her first boyfriend. My first boyfriend name was Percy, he was tall, handsome and eighteen years old. There were rules in place to protect me. He had to come to my house to pick me up, he could not have me out pass eight o'clock, if he wanted to see me pass eight he would have to visit with the whole family and leave at a decent time. So yes, needless to say he started running around with females without such restrictions. I found out and my heart was broken, I think I broke his heart too, when I broke up with him. I gave him true love, you know the kind of love where there is no doubt. The love a child gives, innocent, pure, true and trusting. We as adults loose the ability to love like that, too much hurt, too many lies and our eyes are opened to the world. I broke my own heart when I choose to break up with him, then I decided that I could no longer live without him in my life. At fifteen my life had came to an end, I took as many pills as I could, I took aspirin, blood pressure pills, pills I did not know what they were for, but I took it anyway and went to bed and to sleep, thinking I would never wake again. I woke in the middle of the night, the room was spinning and then I don't know, I was not in the house anymore. I was somewhere in a foggy place and the man there with me I couldn't see but I could hear him. He asked me why I had done what I did and I told him because I did not want to live anymore like this, with this pain. He said if I die now there was no coming back, and I said I did not care, I do not want to come back. He was fighting a loosing battle with me until he said something that meant more to me than anything, he said I could never see my mom again and the thought of never seeing her again broke my heart and the ice that held it. At this point I could truly feel the dread of Hell to not be able to see someone you love so, never again. At this point I started to cry and tell the man I wanted to live, I want to live. The feeling was like a vacuum, I felt myself smash into myself and just as sudden as that happened, I was sick and had to throw up. When I tried to stand up to run to the bathroom my legs collapse underneath me and I had to crawl the whole way. I felt like I was throwing up forever, like my guts were going to come out, when I thought I was done I would still gag and bitter clear liquid would come up. When my night was done, and I had recovered I looked at my life and life in general in a different way. I have respect for my life and for others and you know what there are higher beings. You may say I was in a drug induced hallucination but was I really. I saw that guy again soon after his family moved to Texas and I to this day still love him but I learned to love me more. I freed myself and I don't recommend this way to anyone, it was very painful and the recovery was slow. Now the point why tell this story now, well I met a man Samuel, Sam for short and I noticed that I am doing most of the work on the relationship. I've choose to stop calling, texting and communicating with his to see what he will do. Do he care or am I just the side chick he keep hanging on as a backup? Let's test him, shall we, if he fails I will just move on, but I do really like him. Sometimes we have to hurt ourselves to save ourselves from a greater hurt. I would say wish me luck but that is a matter of perception. God bless to all, and thanks for reading my blog.
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