HURTING YOURSELF TO LIVE

This is my story, the story of my first love and not many people, if any know this story. I kept this story secret even from my best friend, I think only God and his angels know this story. Why tell it now you may ask because maybe it will touch another human, maybe save a life. It starts with a fifteen year old girl, raised in a strict family environment, having her first boyfriend. My first boyfriend name was Percy, he was tall, handsome and eighteen years old. There were rules in place to protect me. He had to come to my house to pick me up, he could not have me out pass eight o'clock, if he wanted to see me pass eight he would have to visit with the whole family and leave at a decent time. So yes, needless to say he started running around with females without such restrictions. I found out and my heart was broken, I think I broke his heart too, when I broke up with him. I gave him true love, you know the kind of love where there is no doubt. The love a child gives, innocent, pure, true and trusting. We as adults loose the ability to love like that, too much hurt, too many lies and our eyes are opened to the world. I broke my own heart when I choose to break up with him, then I decided that I could no longer live without him in my life. At fifteen my life had came to an end, I took as many pills as I could, I took aspirin, blood pressure pills, pills I did not know what they were for, but I took it anyway and went to bed and to sleep, thinking I would never wake again. I woke in the middle of the night, the room was spinning and then I don't know, I was not in the house anymore. I was somewhere in a foggy place and the man there with me I couldn't see but I could hear him. He asked me why I had done what I did and I told him because I did not want to live anymore like this, with this pain. He said if I die now there was no coming back, and I said I did not care, I do not want to come back. He was fighting a loosing battle with me until he said something that meant more to me than anything, he said I could never see my mom again and the thought of never seeing her again broke my heart and the ice that held it. At this point I could truly feel the dread of Hell to not be able to see someone you love so, never again. At this point I started to cry and tell the man I wanted to live, I want to live. The feeling was like a vacuum, I felt myself smash into myself and just as sudden as that happened, I was sick and had to throw up. When I tried to stand up to run to the bathroom my legs collapse underneath me and I had to crawl the whole way. I felt like I was throwing up forever, like my guts were going to come out, when I thought I was done I would still gag and bitter clear liquid would come up. When my night was done, and I had recovered I looked at my life and life in general in a different way. I have respect for my life and for others and you know what there are higher beings. You may say I was in a drug induced hallucination but was I really. I saw that guy again soon after his family moved to Texas and I to this day still love him but I learned to love me more. I freed myself and I don't recommend this way to anyone, it was very painful and the recovery was slow. Now the point why tell this story now, well I met a man Samuel, Sam for short and I noticed that I am doing most of the work on the relationship. I've choose to stop calling, texting and communicating with his to see what he will do. Do he care or am I just the side chick he keep hanging on as a backup? Let's test him, shall we, if he fails I will just move on, but I do really like him. Sometimes we have to hurt ourselves to save ourselves from a greater hurt. I would say wish me luck but that is a matter of perception. God bless to all, and thanks for reading my blog.

Knight in Shining Armor

It's cold in this world and there is so much bad stuff happening, isn't it.  I find even if you are a strong woman you still look for that Knight to come save you.  It's really hard for me right now, with all the loss in my life, no job,no home and no one there to hold me or encourage me, telling me I can do it.  I have to do it all, I have to find a way to be the knight that I seek. It's really hard because as a female child, I like many others was fed the program of the Knight in Shining Armor.  The books we read, simply watching our mothers interact with our fathers, television and the list goes on and on.  You know what it really sucks to start over at fifty.  The good thing is, I am now not responsible for small children.  The bad thing, I still have to find a job, place to live and food to eat.  I was talking to a friend and I suggested strapping on a back pack and just heading out, that's insane he said but I don't know maybe I will find myself, where I belong in life, start a new chapter.  I don't know I'm still up in the air on life.  What do you think, go back to work or go on the open road and let me remind you it is just as dangerous in your own home now as any other place.  I could sit by and wait for that knight but me, I've always been impatient.  I've always been a go-getter, no reason to change that now.  But still in the middle of the night, when it is the darkest I cry.

Starting Over

It's such a beautiful world we live in, yet it is hard starting over.  I find myself 50+ and suddenly I realize I have nothing left and nowhere to go.  I've always been proud of myself for not being a quitter.  When my kids were young and I was a single mom, I went to social service for help and after sending be back and forth for this paper or that paper, I found I was making $20.00 too much for them to be able to help me.  Lots of people would have fell apart but I just got another job, sure I missed some of my kids moments but I kept a roof over their heads, them fed and their clothes were nice, maybe not the name brand but that wasn't important anyway.  I married a good man who earned the respect of my children and we saw them grow to adults, who knew I would out live one child and my spouse.  My husband was ill for a while and at 35 he passed away, he had for years tried to get on Social Security, they found he qualified after he died.  Found out I can't draw his SS until I'm 60 years old 7 more years unless I am disabled.  I've tried freelance jobs online and some marketing made a little but not much, so here I am, where do I go from here?  I have worked since I was 15 years old and many times, more than one job at a time, lazy isn't my problem.  As a child I laughed at those funny looking lazy, slow talking black people I saw on TV, I wondered what country they were in, no one I knew was like that, later I was made aware that it was a stereotype and it was suppose to be my race.  I was angry when I found this out but as I grew so did my knowledge and I had hoped that our country would never have to endure such racism again but here it is the year 2016 and it seems we as a people have digressed, we have drifted to a dark time where we want to make America great again.  America is great because of it's diversity, each region of the United States have cultures that are the charm of those  regions.  Our country was at it's greatest when we were together as a people, and as the people it would do us good to remember: UNITED WE STAND DIVIDED WE FALL.  One stick is easy to break but a bundle is hard.

Letting Go of the Pain

I haven't written on my blog in a while.  My update is that I loss my oldest son on April 10, 2015 and it has been a really hard thing to deal with.  I now have loss my husband also, he died on February 13th 2016 and it compounded my grief.  While going through this I have loss more than 10 pounds, not the way I wanted to loose weight and probably not a healthy way.  I have started to eat again, just more healthy, I still don't have an appetite. I am going through the grief stages on two levels, one for my son and the other for my spouse but amazingly enough I seem to be adjusting.  G-d is good all of the time and I know I will get through this.

My husband was funny, caring and a honestly good person, he alone with my son will be missed.

WILL POWER

The human body is an amazing machine.  We as a people have to learn to add the right fuel and work the machine.  It's like a car if you let it just sit there it will deteriorate.  I started meditating every day, it's easy just take fifteen minutes daily, to start, find a quiet place and sit there, think of nothing.  Oh, thinking of nothing is the hard part but you have to block out all your thoughts, worries and activities.

It will make you feel refreshed.  That's the exercise for the mind but you still have to exercise the body.  If it has been a while since you have exercised then please start slow with something easy and the gradual increases in activity.  Let's face it we may never reach the ability of the man above but we can improve.  Wealth is nothing without health.

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I am a self starter, always working trying to get ahead.  But since I turned

 fifty, I have slowed it down.  I want to see more of the world and learn new things.  I don't want to be like my parents who worked well into their retirement years and never got to enjoy the world around them.  I feel that it is sad to live like that.  I want to go to Italy, Greece, Paris and England.  To ensure a better life my eating habits are better and I exercise at least twice a week now and hoping to increase those numbers to three to four times a week

Daily Changes

I went to the doctor on Wednesday and behold I lost 8 pounds, all I did was start eating healthier.  I added more salads with vinegar and olive oil dressing.  I still love meat, so much protein but I cut down on breads and eat wheat not white bread.  I started to meditate to calm down more so I don't get the stress eating.  I still get sweets but I have replaced the chocolate overkill with marshmallows.  I like to toast them to get a more sweet toasty taste.
I was asleep and had a pain in the center of my head and then there was a pop, like inside my head.  I was told by a friend that my third eye had opened.  Who knew!  I was telling him that I was seeing lights and fast moving forms, seems this is normal.  I was worried at first now I am getting use to it.  I don't feel scared anymore.  He refered me to youtube with some vedios on Indigo children and speeches by Abraham Hicks.
I understand more about me and my childhood from hearing these.

"In darkness we find the light by loves fire guiding the way."  Contessa